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Maxioms by Mitch Hedberg

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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening read more

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: Heroes Quotes,
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I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How read more

I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: New york Quotes,
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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different read more

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: Comedy Quotes,
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I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say read more

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: Laziness Quotes,
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: Funny Quotes,
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