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Maxioms by Mitch Hedberg

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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: Funny Quotes,
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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different read more

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: Comedy Quotes,
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I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the read more

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: Bureaucracy Quotes,
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Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what read more

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: Silly Quotes,
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When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: Funny Quotes,
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