Maxioms Pet

X

Jack Handey Quotes

Share to:

Jack Handey ( 10 of 19 )

  ( comments )
  34  /  34  

To me, Judo is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers knock each other down.

To me, Judo is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers knock each other down.

by Jack Handey Found in: Judo Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  27  /  21  

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

by Jack Handey Found in: Life Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  32  /  40  

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using read more

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.

by Jack Handey Found in: Humor Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  25  /  20  

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, read more

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

by Jack Handey Found in: Humor Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  18  /  18  

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold read more

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'

by Jack Handey Found in: Humor Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  24  /  24  

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I read more

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'

by Jack Handey Found in: Humor Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  24  /  15  

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a read more

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like 'Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!' and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, 'That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.' Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice.

by Jack Handey Found in: Humor Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  7  /  26  

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best read more

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

by Jack Handey Found in: Time Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  27  /  18  

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are read more

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

by Jack Handey Found in: Funny Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  21  /  33  

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver…and since he is so busy, you'd probably read more

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver…and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

by Jack Handey Found in: Humor Quotes,
Share to:
Maxioms Web Pet