Funny - Maxioms.comQuotes, Famous Quotes, Sayings, Proverbs, Maxims, Axioms, Maxiomshttp://www.maxioms.comen-usCopyright 2026 Maxioms.com. All Rights Reserved.<![CDATA[The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/66844<![CDATA[I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom? ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/66249<![CDATA[Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/66247<![CDATA[To know one's self is wisdom, but not to know one's neighbors is genius. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/66246<![CDATA[I like intelligent women. When you go out, it shouldn't be a staring contest. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/66242<![CDATA[A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/66187<![CDATA[There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/66184<![CDATA[I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/66072<![CDATA[If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/65986<![CDATA[Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/65906<![CDATA[When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough ...]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/65802<![CDATA[Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/65801<![CDATA[After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say, “I want to see the manager.” ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/65747<![CDATA[A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/65445<![CDATA[Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/65436<![CDATA[I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/64837<![CDATA[When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/64796<![CDATA[I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/64795<![CDATA[Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck ...]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/64794<![CDATA[I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/64791<![CDATA[I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/64790<![CDATA[Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/64789<![CDATA[I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them ...]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/64788<![CDATA[My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/64787<![CDATA[The bikini is the most important thing since the atom bomb. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/64596<![CDATA[If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/64052<![CDATA[The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63642<![CDATA[By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.rn ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63639<![CDATA[I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63546<![CDATA[I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63542<![CDATA[The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63538<![CDATA[Half the lies they tell about me aren't true. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63532<![CDATA[As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63531<![CDATA[Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards? ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63525<![CDATA[I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63521<![CDATA[I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63507<![CDATA[I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63505<![CDATA[A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63493<![CDATA[Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63486<![CDATA[What you get free costs too much. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63455<![CDATA[Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63438<![CDATA[There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63434<![CDATA[I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63414<![CDATA[A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was ...]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63409<![CDATA[There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63387<![CDATA[I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63359<![CDATA[Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63325<![CDATA[The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63305<![CDATA[I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63240<![CDATA[Existentialism means that no one else can take a bath for you. ]]>http://www.maxioms.com/maxiom/63237