Jack Handey

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but read more

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best read more

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

To me, Judo is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers knock each other down.

To me, Judo is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers knock each other down.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's read more

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.