Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor