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    I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

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  16  /  17  

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger read more

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  19  /  34  

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping read more

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

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I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  12  /  23  

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening read more

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. read more

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

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One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, read more

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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