Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it.

It'd be a terrific innovation if you could get your mind to stretch a little further than the next wisecrack.

It'd be a terrific innovation if you could get your mind to stretch a little further than the next wisecrack.

The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if read more

The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

She has the answer to everything and the solution to nothing.

She has the answer to everything and the solution to nothing.

A wise man is superior to any insults which can be put upon him, and the best reply to unseemly read more

A wise man is superior to any insults which can be put upon him, and the best reply to unseemly behavior is patience and moderation.

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

I hope they notice the mistletoe tied to my coattails as I leave town.

I hope they notice the mistletoe tied to my coattails as I leave town.