I know my Republican friends were glad to see my wife feeding an elephant in India. She gave him sugar read more

I know my Republican friends were glad to see my wife feeding an elephant in India. She gave him sugar and nuts. But of course the elephant wasn't satisfied.

The best system is to have one party govern and the other party watch.

The best system is to have one party govern and the other party watch.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care read more

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change… I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends.... That if they will top telling read more

I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends.... That if they will top telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.

I am not a member of any organized party--I am a Democrat.

I am not a member of any organized party--I am a Democrat.

First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win.

First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win.

A cure for War? Furiously spending the same daily amount of money toward making friends. Being an indispensable source of read more

A cure for War? Furiously spending the same daily amount of money toward making friends. Being an indispensable source of food, shelter, peace, and cultural support dedicatedly spending 9 billion dollars a month on helping people would be a formidable enemy of evil.

When you invite the whole world to your party, inevitably someone pees in the beer.

When you invite the whole world to your party, inevitably someone pees in the beer.

We're the party that wants to see an America in which people can still get rich.

We're the party that wants to see an America in which people can still get rich.