If I weren't earning $3 million a year to dunk a basketball, most people on the street would run in read more

If I weren't earning $3 million a year to dunk a basketball, most people on the street would run in the other direction if they saw me coming.

I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.
(after the team's cocaptain, offensive read more

I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.
(after the team's cocaptain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis)

Whenever I feel like exercise I lie down until the feeling passes.

Whenever I feel like exercise I lie down until the feeling passes.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot.
(on his decision not to read more

I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot.
(on his decision not to vote)

When you're in a slump, it's almost as if you look out at the field and it's one big glove.

When you're in a slump, it's almost as if you look out at the field and it's one big glove.

The only reason I don't like playing in the World Series is I can't watch myself play.

The only reason I don't like playing in the World Series is I can't watch myself play.

If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created.

If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created.