Lily Tomlin

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

The formula for water is H2O. Is the formula for an ice cube H2O squared?

The formula for water is H2O. Is the formula for an ice cube H2O squared?

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent read more

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest -- read more

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest -- then we can all die laughing.