Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say read more

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because read more

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, read more

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening read more

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you read more

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.