If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.