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Maxioms by Mitch Hedberg

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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different read more

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: Comedy Quotes,
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening read more

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: Heroes Quotes,
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  29  /  36  

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because read more

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?

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Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day read more

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: Fashion Quotes,
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I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say read more

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.

by Mitch Hedberg Found in: Laziness Quotes,
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