I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck read more

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.