If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said read more

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be read more

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what read more

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.