There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

I speak two languages, Body and English.

I speak two languages, Body and English.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back