A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another read more

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with read more

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what read more

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?