My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough read more

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in read more

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.

Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.

The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.