Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another read more

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it.

I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.