I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.