An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in read more

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough read more

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.