I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.rn

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.rn

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.