I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what read more

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such read more

A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough read more

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like read more

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.