Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.