I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck read more

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what read more

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.