Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

I speak two languages, Body and English.

I speak two languages, Body and English.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.