Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.

The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.

I speak two languages, Body and English.

I speak two languages, Body and English.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with read more

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.