Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you read more

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.