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    A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

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  14  /  21  

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless read more

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  13  /  22  

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real read more

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  15  /  17  

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could read more

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  20  /  24  

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend read more

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!".

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  13  /  26  

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  14  /  23  

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  16  /  17  

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger read more

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  18  /  30  

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." read more

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did.".

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  16  /  32  

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you read more

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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