Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But read more

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a read more

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press read more

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, read more

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to read more

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one read more

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to read more

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak read more

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.