As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I read more

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe read more

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend read more

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!".

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It read more

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the read more

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.

Wit is cultured insolence.

Wit is cultured insolence.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, read more

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

A rich man's joke is always funny.

A rich man's joke is always funny.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.