Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if read more

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a read more

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I read more

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'

The seal went into the restaurant and was asked
by the waiter if he would like a Canadian Club
on read more

The seal went into the restaurant and was asked
by the waiter if he would like a Canadian Club
on the rocks.
He replied
no thank you.