If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me read more

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself.

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if read more

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver…and since he is so busy, you'd probably read more

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver…and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of read more

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.

In the end, everything is a gag.

In the end, everything is a gag.

If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.

If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.