Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make read more

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on read more

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to read more

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw read more

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening read more

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

If men cease to believe that they will one day become gods then they will surely become worms.

If men cease to believe that they will one day become gods then they will surely become worms.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on read more

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?