One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
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I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, read more
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children read more
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a read more
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little read more
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on read more
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe read more
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long read more
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
