He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.".
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I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless read more
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one read more
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could read more
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking read more
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!".
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. read more
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be read more
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a read more
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
