When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It read more

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. read more

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", read more

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he read more

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening read more

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by read more

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long read more

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, read more

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.