If it's a woman, its caustic; if it's a man, it's authoritative. -Barbara Walters.

If it's a woman, its caustic; if it's a man, it's authoritative. -Barbara Walters.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, read more

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that read more

Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.

To marry is to halve your rights and double your duties.

To marry is to halve your rights and double your duties.

For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition.

For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition.

The person who can be only serious or only cheerful, is but half a man.

The person who can be only serious or only cheerful, is but half a man.

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. read more

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do....".

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

When a girl ceases to blush, she has lost the most powerful charm of her beauty.

When a girl ceases to blush, she has lost the most powerful charm of her beauty.