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    Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

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  15  /  11  

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, read more

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  18  /  21  

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he read more

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  20  /  29  

Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.

Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.

by Allen Klein Found in: Humor Quotes,
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  29  /  25  

We never respect those who amuse us, however we may smile at their comic powers.

We never respect those who amuse us, however we may smile at their comic powers.

by Marguerite Gardiner Found in: Humor Quotes,
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  19  /  20  

WARNING: Humor may be hazardous to your illness.

WARNING: Humor may be hazardous to your illness.

by Ellie Katz Found in: Humor Quotes,
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  15  /  17  

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could read more

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  12  /  28  

If men cease to believe that they will one day become gods then they will surely become worms.

If men cease to believe that they will one day become gods then they will surely become worms.

by Henry Miller Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  20  /  20  

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold read more

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby.".

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But read more

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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