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If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me read more
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.
The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.
Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but read more
Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all.
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain.
The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain.
Miss Piggy to Johnny Carson
.. do you think I am Oscar material?
Johnny Carson: Oscar Mayer maybe
NBC Tonight read more
Miss Piggy to Johnny Carson
.. do you think I am Oscar material?
Johnny Carson: Oscar Mayer maybe
NBC Tonight Show writers
http://www.mad-cow.org.
Humor has been the balm of my life, but it's been reserved for those close to me, not part of read more
Humor has been the balm of my life, but it's been reserved for those close to me, not part of the public Lana.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to read more
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
