The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if read more

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.

If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me read more

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold read more

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one read more

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night