I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using read more

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they find laughable.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they find laughable.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a read more

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like 'Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!' and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, 'That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.' Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice.

A rich man's joke is always funny.

A rich man's joke is always funny.

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humour.

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humour.

In the end, everything is a gag.

In the end, everything is a gag.

If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.