A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry is to a woman.

A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry is to a woman.

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, read more

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

I've had the boyhood thing of being Elvis. Now I want to be with my best friend, and my best read more

I've had the boyhood thing of being Elvis. Now I want to be with my best friend, and my best friend's my wife. Who could ask for anything more?

The striking point about our model family is not simply the compete-compete, consume-consume style of life it urges us to read more

The striking point about our model family is not simply the compete-compete, consume-consume style of life it urges us to follow. The striking point, in the face of all the propaganda, is how few Americans actually live this way.

Marriage is like a box of chocolates. You have to squeeze a few bottoms to make sure you like what read more

Marriage is like a box of chocolates. You have to squeeze a few bottoms to make sure you like what you are getting.

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that read more

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

The majority of persons choose their wives with as little prudence as they eat. They see a troll with nothing read more

The majority of persons choose their wives with as little prudence as they eat. They see a troll with nothing else to recommend her but a pair of thighs and choice hunkers, and so smart to void their seed that they marry her at once. They imagine they can live in marvelous contentment with handsome feet and ambrosial buttocks. Most men are accredited fools shortly after they leave the womb.