The guy with the biggest stomach will be the first to take off his shirt at a baseball game.

The guy with the biggest stomach will be the first to take off his shirt at a baseball game.

Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

You can learn little from victory. You can learn everything from defeat.

You can learn little from victory. You can learn everything from defeat.

Just take the ball and throw it where you want to. Throw strikes. Home plate don't move.

Just take the ball and throw it where you want to. Throw strikes. Home plate don't move.

The trouble is not that players have sex the night before a game. It's that they stay out all night read more

The trouble is not that players have sex the night before a game. It's that they stay out all night looking for it.

Show me a guy who's afraid to look bad, and I'll show you a guy you can beat every time.

Show me a guy who's afraid to look bad, and I'll show you a guy you can beat every time.

Fans don't boo nobodies.

Fans don't boo nobodies.

When I was a small boy growing up in Kansas, a friend of mine and I went fishing and as read more

When I was a small boy growing up in Kansas, a friend of mine and I went fishing and as we sat there in the warmth of a summer afternoon on a riverbank we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up. I told him that I wanted to be a real major-league baseball player, a genuine professional like Honus Wagner. My friend said that he'd like to be President of the United States. Neither of us got our wish.

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me read more

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'