Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold read more

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

That is the best -- to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.

That is the best -- to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.

Americans are pragmatic, relatively uncomplicated, hearty and given to broad humor.

Americans are pragmatic, relatively uncomplicated, hearty and given to broad humor.

Now I perceive the devil understands Welsh.
And 'tis no marvel he is so humorous.
By'r Lady, read more

Now I perceive the devil understands Welsh.
And 'tis no marvel he is so humorous.
By'r Lady, he is a good musician.

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw read more

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, read more

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.