I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to read more

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another read more

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain.

The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain.

If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I read more

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'