Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity.
(after a game his team lost to the New York Nets)

We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity.
(after a game his team lost to the New York Nets)

Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best read more

Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can't get you off.

It's a nice bonus but, you know, I have to pay taxes too.
(after winning the Grand Slam Cup.)

It's a nice bonus but, you know, I have to pay taxes too.
(after winning the Grand Slam Cup.)

I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player.

I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player.

I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to read more

I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him

Baseball is a game where a curve is an optical illusion, a screwball can be a pitch or a person, read more

Baseball is a game where a curve is an optical illusion, a screwball can be a pitch or a person, stealing is legal and you can spit anywhere you like except in the umpire's eye or on the ball.

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

I'm a golfer -- not an athlete.

I'm a golfer -- not an athlete.