Mitch Hedberg ( 10 of 29 )
I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't read more
I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What?'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What?'. But really it's just some insignificant sh*t that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening read more
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other read more
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, read more
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck read more
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the read more
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
