Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

a Christmas tree .. the perfect gift
for a guy... the plant is already dead
(monologue Dec 10 2003).

a Christmas tree .. the perfect gift
for a guy... the plant is already dead
(monologue Dec 10 2003).

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and read more

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I never dare to write
As funny as I can.

I never dare to write
As funny as I can.

Is anything besides the mind ever boggled?

Is anything besides the mind ever boggled?

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic
genius.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic
genius.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humour.

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humour.