Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
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I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.
I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.
The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.
We never respect those who amuse us, however we may smile at their comic powers.
We never respect those who amuse us, however we may smile at their comic powers.
Wit is cultured insolence.
Wit is cultured insolence.
The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.
The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's read more
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you read more
Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.
Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.
