Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
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A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold read more
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'
If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.
If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.
Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you read more
Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"
My mother was awarded the Serbian medal of freedom
for raising 3 dysfunctional Croatian sons.
My mother was awarded the Serbian medal of freedom
for raising 3 dysfunctional Croatian sons.
If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old.
If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old.
I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using read more
I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people.
Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.
Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.
