Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to read more

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using read more

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

Can such bitterness enter into the heart of the devout?
[Fr., Tant de fiel entre-t-il dans l'ame des devots?]

Can such bitterness enter into the heart of the devout?
[Fr., Tant de fiel entre-t-il dans l'ame des devots?]

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father's religion, if they can find out what read more

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father's religion, if they can find out what it is.

Suppose we've chosen the wrong god

Suppose we've chosen the wrong god

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's read more

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.