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If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a read more
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.
The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.
The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and read more
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another read more
The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.
If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.
If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.
When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.
When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to read more
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
